Cullen blogs: Emmett
by alicecullenrocks888
Summary: This is a series, by me, and Didyme the happy one. This is Emmett's blog, for the others, go find Didyme the happy one, she'll be doing Esme, Alice, Rosalie and Edward. I will be doing the rest of the Cullens ;
1. Chapter 1 Walmart

**A/N: HELLOOOO(; This is your beloved aby again *you know you love me* and I'm back with the… CULLENS' BLOG!**

**Some of the blogs are uploaded on my friend's profile, Didyme the happy one, so like, HERE'S THE LINK: **.net/s/6362205/1/

**This is before Breaking Dawn, like during Eclipse.**

**Disclaimer: None of the below content is true. I don't own any of the cullens, the twilight franchise, or the blogger site. **

**Warning! Warning! The following content was PRIVATE, and set so only the members of the Cullen family could read it. However, the writer managed to get her hands on it and decided to unleash it to the world! **

_Daily blog of Emmett Cullen_

Subject: The thing at wal-mart

Carslisle said I had to do this weird blog thing, because it would foster family relationships or something like that. All I know is that my relationship with Rose, it's all _good!_

I didn't get what 'blog' meant, so I looked it up. I'm supposed to write about what happened today? Okay, well here goes.

I was really bored, and Alice wanted to go shopping, Rosalie was doing her hair, Edward was playing gay stuff on the piano, Bella was listening to the gay stuff, Jasper was emo-ing and Esme was doing 'things' with Carlisle in their room. Emmett was all alone

That's why I went to wal-mart! Wal-mart has all the solutions to boredom.

It was about 10 in the morning and wal-mart was crawling with people. I felt like jumping on each one of them and sucking their blood all out.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

I pulled out my list of things to do at wal-mart. That's another thing Carlisle asked me to do. He asked me to make lists of stuff so that I could keep my thoughts in order. I have the list right now.

_List of ways to seduce Rosalie_

Wait. That's the wrong list.

_List of things to do at wal-mart_

_1) __Run around screaming at the top of your lungs. When someone asks you what's wrong, burst into tears._

_2) __Play with the small computers at the kid section acting like a three year old. _

_3) __Ride in the shopping carts up and down the aisle._

_4) __When the voice over the intercom comes on, cover your ears and go slowly down on the ground yelling "MOMMY! IT'S THE VOICE AGAIN!"_

_5) Sit in the little car-like cart things and drive around screaming "MOVE IT, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M DRIVING HERE?"_

I got kicked out after that. For the billionth time. I think they wanted to call the cops on me again. My last experience with the cops didn't go very well…

_I was just walking, minding my own business when a couple of cops jumped out at me._

"_Excuse me sir," they said._

"_AHHH! DON'T YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO SNEAK UP ON SOMEBODY?" I yelled at them._

"_Sorry sir, we didn't mean to. But, what may we ask, is in your bag?" they asked politely._

"_NO! NO QUESTIONS!" I yelled again._

_They gave me a funny look. _

"_ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT ME! I STOLE THE LAST COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR! AND I CAME HERE HOPING MOMMY WOULDN'T FIND ME!" I confessed, sobbing now._

Then I got home to find Alice reorganizing her clothes _again_. Then she yelled at me to play wii super smash bros with her.

Stupid future-seer. I bet she cheated in every single one of the 45 games. Except the 23 games I won.

After that, I got into bed with Rosalie. Only to get yelled at by Esme because we broke the bed again. Next time, we do it on the floor, Rose.

Emmett Cullen the Grizzly Eater.

Comment by ESME CULLEN, 1:01pm

Emmett Cullen, you will not taint my floor with your sexual desires.

Comment by EMMMETT CULLEN, 1:03pm

But Mo-om!

Comment by ESME CULLEN, 1:06pm

There is absolutely no negotiation on this subject

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 1:09pm

I am not having sex with you on the floor. Do you know how unglam that is?

Comment by EDWARD CULLEN, 1:11pm

Gay stuff? My piano playing is gay?

Comment by ALICE CULLEN, 1:13pm

I hate to break it to you, but yes, it is extremely gay.

Comment by BELLA SWAN, 1:15pm

I think it's nice

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 1:17pm

Nobody cares what you think, Bella. You're a two-timing skank.

Comment by EDWARD CULLEN, 1:20pm

DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT BELLA THAT WAY!

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 1:22pm

LALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Comment by ESME CULLEN, 1:25pm

CHILDREN! ALL OF YOU, GET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER!


	2. Chapter 2 Hot blondes in Canada

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight and all that other stuff(;**

_Daily blog of Emmett Cullen_

_Subject: Water heaters are eviler than penguins playing banjos._

Water heaters are really evil. Worse than that penguin that was playing the banjo at that water park.

_Flashback-_

NO WAY AM I GOING TO FLASHBACK THAT TIME AT THE WATER PARK! *Evil penguins, stealing my fish*

_Unflashback-_

Of course, this evil one had to break today. And since Rosalie freaked out over a number of reasons that I cannot be bothered to type out here, I decided to step in.

Not that I mind Rosalie's anger. She's sexy when she's angry.

Carlisle always told me to help others, instead of causing them pain and trouble. So all I was doing was following your instructions, dad!

Carlisle wanted to call a professional, and I wanted to get into bed with Rose, but nobody gets what they want, do they? So I tried to help out by fixing the water heater.

Whoever made the water heater was an idiot. Who makes one without instructions? There's was _nothing_ on it. Except "do not bring near fire" It's a water heater, why would we bring it near fire? To heat fire?

I found this screw thing that was too tight, so I loosened it. But I guess it was supposed to be tight or something, because it crashed through the floor. And there was this huge, gaping hole, that looked so wicked. I jumped through it, and Esme got the fright of her life.

Or the fright of her death, considering she's not exactly alive…

Then she forced me to pay for the damages. And, I'm banned from video games, Rosalie and _wal-mart_! How can she ban me from wal-mart? I could possibly die again. Wal-mart is the love of my life. Rosalie comes in second place.

Alice tried to con me into lending her my credit cards. But no way, I found out the hard way what happens when Alice borrows your credit card.

So she went off to her room and started playing dress up.

Esme didn't ban me from that...

So I stole Rosalie's computer to play. Her password was really easy to guess, it was "_sexylittlemiss" _

I dressed my character thing up as an air stewardess, then I dressed her up as a really hot bikini model. Then, Rosalie walked in.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING STARING AT OTHER GIRLS IN BIKINIS?" She shrieked.

I freaked out and slammed the screen down. A little too hard cause the screen just fell off.

"YOU BROKE MY COMPUTER?" she carried on yelling.

"Chill baby, I got a better substitute for your computer," I said, trying to seduce her and make her less angry.

"Don't. Touch. Me." She hissed.

That was when I realized where exactly my hands were. And my ban on Rosalie.

Crap. Esme's going to fly through the roof if she sees this.

Then Alice danced in. For future reference, Alice never walks, she dances, prances, skips or materializes.

"Emmett! Jazzy and I are going to play karaoke! You wanna join us?" She sang.

Alice doesn't talk either. She sings and yells.

Then she noticed where my hands were. Her eyes widened and there was an evil glint in her eyes.

"I'm going to tell Esme…" she sang evilly.

"Aw, come _on_ Alice. You wouldn't would you?" I pleaded.

"Well…" she trailed off. "How about that credit card then?"

I grumbled obscenities at her and handed her my credit cards.

"Great!" She smiled as she pocketed them. "Now, hows about some karaoke?"

I decided I might as well.

After only the 79th verse of that bottles on the wall song, Edward came down to yell at us. He's just feeling tiffy because Bella's grounded.

Then when I yelled back at him, he broke the karaoke machine.

Rosalie was still upset over her computer, and the noise didn't really agree with her. She came out of our room and yelled at all of us.

Then Edward snapped at her and called her something really rude in Spanish. Which didn't agree with her either. It became an awesome cat fight, with an element of fang-baring.

I made a bet with Jasper that Rose would pounce first. She is more emotional after all.

Then Esme stepped in and gave them 'time outs'

I found a dunce hat, so I thought it'd be fun to let Edward wear it. You know, to keep him company. Of course, he didn't appreciate the effort. Now there's a dent in the wall.

Remember earlier in the day, when I Esme said I had to pay for the water heater? Now I have to pay for the dent in the wall too. And a whole lot of other stuff. Here's the list.

_List of things that Emmett Cullen has to unfairly pay for_

_The penguin playing the banjo_

_Alice's wardrobe _

_Jasper's cowboy hat_

_Carlisle's needles_

_The water heater_

_Rosalie's computer_

_The dent in the wall_

_BELLA&EDWARD'S CONDOMS!_

It's an unfair world out there. If I don't pay for Bella and Edward's condoms, nobody will and hell will spill over when Bella gets pregnant.

Mark my words, one of these days, Edward's gonna regret throwing all the condoms I bought him out the window.

And not just because he got yelled at by some old lady when it fell on her head.

Esme still wasn't happy when I agreed to pay for the wall, so she yelled at me some more.

Then, darling little Jazzy stepped in and made Esme more pissed.

She started chasing Edward and I around the house.

It's a little scary when there's a 40-year old vampire who is out to kill you chasing you around the house.

Then Edward came up with a brilliant idea. We ran away to Canada.

Canada's a really pretty place with tones of hot blondes.

So we're just going to hang out here until Esme isn't that pissed off, and then maybe we'll come back.

Gotta go, there's a really sexy lady staring at me right now

Emmett the Grizzly Eater.

I. EAT. GRIZZLIES.

* * *

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 12:24pm

EMMETT CULLEN, IF YOU DO NOT STOP STARING AT OTHER GIRLS, I WILL COME OVER TO CANADA AND KILL YOU.

* * *

Comment by ESME CULLEN, 12:26pm

There's no need for such violence, Rosalie.

* * *

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 12:29pm

Well that's rich, coming from the woman who chased Edward and Emmett around the house, threatening to kill them.

* * *

Comment by ESME CULLEN, 12:31pm

Jasper was fueling my anger.

* * *

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 12:34pm

Jasper's fueling my anger now.

* * *

Comment by JASPER HALE, 12:36pm

I WILL NEVER ADMIT TO ANYTHING!

* * *

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 12:38pm

Jasper. If you do not stop making me more angry, I will bite your head off.

* * *

Comment by JASPER HALE, 12:38pm

I'm not doing anything…

I WILL NEVER ADMIT IT!

* * *

Comment by ROSALIE HALE, 12:41pm

YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK CAUSE I'M COMING FOR YOU!

* * *

Comment by JASPER HALE, 12:42pm

Uh-oh. See you in Canada!

* * *

Comment by EDWARD CULLEN, 1:05pm

Bella and I do not need condoms, Emmett

* * *

Comment by BELLA SWAN, 1:10pm

Are you sure Edward? If Emmett's taking the time to buy them, we could at least use them...

* * *

Comment by EMMETT CULLEN, 1:12pm

Bella has more brains than you, Eddy.

* * *

Comment by EDWARD CULLEN, 1:15pm

Do. Not. Call. Me. Eddy.

* * *

Comment by EMMETT CULLEN, 1:17pm

Too late!

* * *

**A/N: Well... I hope you liked it! So, review please? Thanks!**

**PS sorry for spamming people's mails, I need to export the document to add in the line things to seperate the comments. **


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